Characters: Elior, Mattityah, Channah, Hadassah, Elnatan, Shelomoh, Moreh Maaseiyah, Yahu, Ezra, Yoel, Chaggai.
*Shelomoh stays on Instagram, scrolling through Hadassah’s page. His dorm roommate walks in and looks at his phone.*
Achi, there are so many vibes on her page.
What does that even mean?
I don’t know. I heard my cool white classmate Dylan say it.
She is dark tan but beautiful, a daughter of Yerushalayim. Her neck is like the tower of Dawid, built magnificently. Everything about her is beautiful; she is without flaw.
Shelomoh, relax. That’s just the new Instagram filter she’s using.
So she’s visiting Bet Yizre’el this Shabbat?
She is, and with just one glance, Hadassah has carried my heart away.
Are you going to double tap all her posts, achi?
Are you trying to look like a stalker?
We’re polygynists, not polylikers.
You’ve just never been in love, ach. And no, I haven’t told her.
You haven’t told her you’re into the #PolyLife? What the wait?
I don’t want to scare Hadassah away, Elnatan. I’ll let her know. Sooner than later.
It’s getting late, so I’m going to bed. You should too. Hey, have you seen my sleepy emoji pillow?
Isn’t it in the dryer? Ach, you have like six pillows.
Can a Hebrew man ever have too many…pillows? *Elnatan winks*
*Shabbat arrives! Hadassah, Channah, Elior, and Mattityah arrive in the parking lot of Bet Yizre’el. They exchange warm salutations of Shabbat Shalom*
Beseder chaberim. We’re visitors, so don’t be weird. Just be cool, like me.
*Mattityah puts on black Aviator sunglasses with dark tinted lenses*
Sweet spectacles, dude. You didn’t buy those today on Shabbat, right?
Chalilah li, chaberi. I honor Nechemyah 10:31.
These were a gift. Speaking of gifts, here is a mini hand sanitizer
gel with aloe for everyone.
Todah rabah… what’s the occasion?
Five words, chaberim: Co-ro-na-vi-rus. We all practice Law here, so I think this is a beautiful opportunity for me to enforce Leviticus 19:18. You’re welcome.
Is Covid-19 a contagion?
I don’t think there is a high transmissibility rate.
Cool over cringe, unity over division, chaberim. Here’s how to be cool at any Messianic congregation: Rule 1, Yochanan 13:34,35. Rule 2, don’t forget Rule 1.
We’re all socially graceful. Let’s honor the letter and spirit of Shabbat, as is our custom.
*The door of Bet Yizre’el opens*
Shabbat Shalom, Hadassah! I thought I heard your voice.
Are these your friends?
Yes. My friends this is Channah, Elior, and Mattityah.
Shabbat Shalom you all! Yah bless you for coming! Please, come on in. You all are early which is awesome. I’ll introduce you to my buddies in Messiah. By the way, cool sunglasses, Mattityah.
Todah rabah! Just being my cool self, on this cool Shabbat, with my cool friends.
This is my friend Yahu.
One, two, three, four… five knots!
Good shade of blue, too.
You all pass the tsitsiyot test. Baruchim habaim!
We passed! Todah Yah!
Shabbat Shalom you all! My name is Chaggai.
Naim meod, Chaggai.
Here’s is my card. My online store is closed since it’s Shabbat. Yet when it opens tomorrow, I have some good merchandise made exclusively in Yerushalayim! Mezuzah cases, kippot, even me! I was born in the capital of Israel. I’m not for sale, but you get my point.
Sidenote, that small inscription on my card, you’ll see it says…
Made in Yerushalayim.
Shelomoh, your friends get me!
They finish my sentences! Naim meod.
Ah, this is my buddy Yoel.
Shabbat Shalom, Yoel!
*Yoel looks intensely at his Bible, highlighting pericopes with alacrity*
Looks like he’s in the middle of an exhaustive Bible study.
Yoel it’s Shabbat, so don’t exhaust yourself too much, achi.
Actually, that’s not the type of laborious work
Exodus 20:8-11 is referring to.
Shabbat Shalom, Ezra. Let’s put the Shalom in Shabbat, okay?
This is Hadassah, Channah, Ezra, and Mattityah.
Naim meod. You’re right, we are peacemakers.
Now, please allow me to peacefully explain what work is.
I have my handy dandy Satisfactorily Stronger Than
The Strongest Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance.
That’s a big book. A tome, even.
Maybe if I download the PDF version of this book,
I won’t have to carry this and my other
heavy books to my vehicle.
Pardon me while I go argue over the meaning of Yirmeyah 17:21.
Awesome meeting you guys.
We’re about to start Shabbat service. I saved you all some seats.
That’s very sweet. Todah rabah.
Today’s talk is entitled: Ask Not What Your Congregation Can Do For You.
Ask What You Can Do For Your Congregation.
*Mattityah leans toward Elior*
Didn’t President J.F.K. say something like that?
You’re awake! That’s delightful. Yes. It’s a chiasmus.
Did you all see the title of his talk next Shabbat?
It’s predicated on Mattityah 28:18-20. Makabi 16:15.
Make The Commission Great Again.
To be concluded…